WTF???

I am officially terrified...and in way over my head. Or at least that's how I felt on my ride today. I had so hoped to make this post a triumphant recounting of an amazing ride that settled all my remaining anxieties about this race. I intended to give a proper retirement post to my trusty old touring bike, the General and introduce my younger, sexier bike to the world. Instead, I finished my ride in near tears, white faced and on the phone to my mom, hoping she could make it all better. I had such a run of good luck last week--a scholarship from MGH, a great apartment in Boston that's mine as of today, and finally taking possesion of my new Trek, outfitted with all that I thought I'd need to make the biking portion of this endeavor more manageable. I guess I was a bit unrealistic in my expectations. The bike is great, and light and quiet and new and shiny...all those things. But it also required me to stop 4 times to readjust the seat, only to find that the stem is still just a bit too long and whatever was wrong with my seat positioning, it caused my feet to go numb. Do you know how hard it is to ride 40+ miles with numb feet? But still, I was being patient with it all, accepting that it was my first ride on my new bike and it would take time. In the end, I find myself back at home, once again rationalizing all the reasons why my ride wasn't as great as I thought it should be--wind, frost heaves and potholes, crazy climbs, not enough food with me. What I realize now though is that this is just how it is. My ride will be filled with hills, frost heaves and potholes, and wind...all I can do is work with it. But I'm so terrified that I won't be able to do this. I mean, I know I'll finish, but I set the bar so high for myself and it's hard to accept that I might not be the badass that I thought I was. And I don't expect anyone to really understand, but while the rest of my friends are getting married, having babies, buying houses, I'm trying to train and prove that I'm more than I used to believe I was. I'm making life choices that might not make sense to people, but my life has brought me here and I have to go with it. I guess I'm just trying to find the words to express why I'm being so hard on myself, why I'm so scared and I'm coming up short. But I am nothing if not resilient, so on the plus side, I finished my ride and within minutes, felt that I could go out and run, so I suppose my recovery time is improving. And with a little bit of extra glucose and nutrients, I would probably not have felt so weak and pathetic at the end. And, I managed to use my aero bars a bunch and once I got comfortable with the relative instability, really loved that position.



I did manage to ride the rest of my race route today, so now I've seen all of it, including where I'll be running. At first I was psyched, riding this road along the lake. Outside of the wind coming off the water, the ride was great. The road had gentle hills and the view was amazing. But then, it started to get bumpy. Really bumpy. The view could no longer distract me as I rode along, bumping, thumping, losing power to the road, wondering what all this bumping was doing to sensitive parts of my body that, should I ever find myself in a relationship again, I'd like to still have fully functional. And then I saw the sign, "Frost Heaves". Well, what the f- had I been riding on?? How much worse could it get? Fortunately for me, frost heave signs up here are about as informative as deer or moose crossing signs--they're everywhere and there's no guarantee that they mean anything. What would have been more helpful would have been a sign saying "Big ass climb approaching, eat your gu now." Too bad...I'm starting to go along well again, the road is smoothing out, and then... f#*k me! Sorry for the expletives, but that's what was going through my mind. I believe I actually said it out loud as well. Ok, low gear, switch back up the road, hope that no cars are coming, and hope like hell that there's a sweet downhill on the other side. To be honest though, the ride was really ok outside of that stretch of road and I should take comfort in the fact that in the entire route, there's only that one nasty climb and the rest of the roads may have actually been paved in my lifetime. And in one of my more lucid moments on the ride, I managed to have the thought that if there was no challenge, then this race wouldn't be worth doing. I later laughed at my naivete as my blood sugar bottomed out...

My sweet new ride...we have a love hate relationship thus far

And one final positive note...the lake has finally thawed out. Progress, in slow increments, is progress nonetheless.

Road to Recovery

Well, it's been an unpleasant week, but I do believe I've turned a corner. Thank you to those who encouraged me to rest since I'm not good at doing that without help. Although this week even if I'd wanted to, there would have been no way I could push myself. I'm a little nervous about the lost time but I recognize that it was mostly out of my control and I can only move forward. I say mostly since I did figure out my own culpability in the sudden onset. A week ago it was still classic spring here--upper 40s, low 50s for the most part. I was expecting the gradual build up to warmer temperatures that we usually get so I guess I could say I was caught a little unprepared when on Friday I did my brick and it was 80. That night at work I drank 2 liters of water and could have easily downed more. Saturday morning I biked to work, hydrated fairly well, and then biked 32 miles after work. Then I got dumb and drank no water but mojitos instead (it was summery!). I think the combination was more than my body could handle so from this point forward I will make a more concerted effort to hydrate well (as soon as I can drink water again) and avoid those things that my body clearly doesn't like (alcohol, coffee, :( ). But luckily for me between the race entrance fee, the new bike, the new wetsuit and after today, the new bike shoes and cleats, I will have spent about $1000 on this quest, and as I'm unemployed for the next three years, that's much more impressive, and scary. And I'm so cheap, I'll get my ass to the starting line no matter what it takes. So for today, one more day of taking easy, doing some yoga and hopefully eating and drinking more normally, and then tomorrow, on the road again.

And one final note, the real benefit to this sudden burst of heat and summer--perhaps the lake my tri is on will be thawed by June 8th. I rode past it for the first time on Saturday and was psyched to find that the roads were pretty mellow, not to bumpy with frost heaves, and the lake was beautiful...but a little odd looking. And then I realized, 80 degrees and still frozen. Like 90% covered with ice. It's going to be a cold swim!

Small setback

After a great week of training last week, I was really looking forward to this week, my cutback week. I was ready for it, a week of slightly lower mileages gearing up for the big push to the finish. Apparently, my body was looking forward to this week as well...to get sick. I haven't been pushing myself that hard and I don't think that this is a symptom of overtraining at all, but it's a bit frustrating at this stage. I had a great ride on Saturday afternoon that I unfortunately followed with dinner and drinks out (and none of those drinks included water). I had hoped that when I was feeling bad all day Sunday that it was just due to that. No such luck unfortunately. It's Tuesday and my stomach is still grumpy with me and I don't know how much more ginger ale and dilute gatorade I can take. The really tough part is that outside of my stomach, I feel great. Yesterday I felt a lot of fatigue in my legs so I decided that after swimming, a day off was what I needed, but today, if it weren't for the bumping and jarring, I'd love to go for a run. It's really hard for me to listen to my body but I'm trying. And I'm also trying not to panic about how much time I'm losing this week. I know it's a cutback week but I still don't want to lose my momentum, particularly on the bike. But I know that getting worked up won't make me feel better any faster so I'm trying to utilize this as a good recovery, and hope that if I can get in one good ride and run this week, it won't be a total loss. Saltines anyone?

Wind season?

I've long heard that spring in New Hampshire is known by less enticing names such as mud season, or frost heave season, but I've decided that a third alternative should be introduced, the season of eternal headwinds. Now I'm no stranger to head winds. I biked from Seattle to San Fran in 2000 and despite my father's prediction that I would go fast since going south means all down hill, I discovered that coastal biking=head winds. But in those days, I was riding with 75 pounds of gear and 10 kids in tow, so speed was not my goal, simply arriving at camp intact and with all accounted for was enough. Since those days of touring, I've obviously gone to just road riding, and lately, racing...on a touring bike. Again, hasn't been something too bad. I love my bike and I haven't ridden enough to really worry about it. Well, after last week's successful return to outdoor running, I decided I was done with the stationary bikes (especially since they're in the gym and I am restricted to 30 minutes) and headed back outside. I knew there would be hills, I even expected some wind. I tried not to be concerned about time (but let's face it, we're all competitive with ourselves) and I was overall enjoying the sunny, 60 degree day. But let me just tell you, in a 30 mile bike ride that went south, west, north, east, then south again, I had a head wind the entire time. I had wind strong enough to stop me, to tilt my bike in the opposite direction I was leaning, and I arrived home absolutely beat. After consulting my coaches and rationalizing with myself that it was my first outdoor ride on a touring bike on roads covered in frost heaves and several significant climbs, I'd really done well. Ok, so I moved on, finished up my week, rested this weekend, and today tackled the outdoor run again. And again, discovered that just because you're running uphill into the wind it does not mean than when you turn around 180 degrees to head home that the wind will be at your back. My hope is that this wind is all caused by increasing temperatures and melting snow creating these crazy convection currents. If that's the case, we're almost in the clear. If not, I will be so diesel by the end of my training :)

One last quick note from today's run, a frustration of sorts. I can't burp, I've never been able to really, at least not voluntarily. This is a fact that my mother loves to tease me about since all of our relatives pride themselves on the strength and depth of their bodily functions. She thinks I'm not really part of the family. It was never an issue until today when about 3 miles into the run, all I wanted to do was burp. I was doubled over in pain from the air trapped inside and even in my greatest desperation, I could barely summon some relief. Maybe my mom is right and I'm some wierd, repressed version of a Newton. Too bad for me, it meant a very uncomfortable run that otherwise was feeling amazing. Note to self...no more jambalaya...

Triumphant return :)

Today I tackled the great outdoors and from all accounts, I won. It was my first run outside since December--the first time I could see over snowbanks, not have to run through slush, and not have to dress for the arctic. I was oddly nervous to head back outside but since I am a true nature girl, even I couldn't let my apprehension keep me inside on day like this (it's almost 60!). My apprehensions aren't that unusual I guess. Treadmills are safe and I can stop any time, they're springy so they go easy on my training legs, and most importantly, there are only hills if I want them. Anyone who's been to visit me knows I live in the foothills of the White Mountains so there is little flat to be had. And hills have always been my nemesis. Today I discovered that two months of training on a treadmill and a stationary bike have done something for me after all. I ran about 5.5 miles at an average pace of 8:27 and kicked ass on the one major climb I had. I even battled through a headwind, and ended up back at my car still smiling. I may not have been as light on my feet as I once was but I know I've also had far worse runs. All in all, a successful and positively reinforcing workout. And I got a congrats from Lance Armstrong at the end--gotta love Nike + iPod :)

Slacker!

It was recently pointed out to me just how much of a slacker I've been with this blog. I guess that's a good sign that at least one person is reading it :) But I was trying to figure out why it seems so difficult for me to sit down and do this. Is it that I think no one's reading? Well, that shouldn't matter, it's supposed to be a way for me to organize my thoughts. Is it that nothing's happened? Well, no there as well. I've been training and skiing and gearing up to move to Boston. I also can't claim that I've been too busy since I don't really work anymore and my classes are a joke. Is the answer that I'm just lazy? I doubt that. What I came up with is that every time I feel inspired to share what I'm thinking, it's when I'm running. Or swimming. Or biking. But typically while running, I feel the most inspired, the most creative, and the most in control of my life (I obviously only want to share the good parts). Problem is, by the time I get home from a day of class, work, training, get my shower and some dinner, I've generally forgotten what sounded so inspiring in my mind and anything else I come up with sounds contrived. What I take to be the good news for me here though is that for a long time now, running has not been fun. It's been a struggle to get ready, a struggle to get warmed up, and even while I was out, I felt very little joy. That's really disappointed me since running used to clear everything up. But I think I've finally come back to a place where not only does my body need to run, it wants to. The other day I found myself trying to talk myself out of running because I didn't feel %100, instead of the other way around. I think that's a step in the right direction.
There's also been a little bit of difficulty for me deciding what to write. I think it's awfully boring to use this as my training log, recapping numbers and mileage and times from the week. Who wants to read that? On the other hand, I tend to be way overanalytical and that's no fun either! Instead, I've tossed around blog ideas such as "thank god for the existence of energy gels" and "it's all downhill after spring break". But again, those ideas were strong while I was running and faded quickly afterwards. If only there was a way to record my thoughts...Anyway, as an update for those few out there who might have added this to their blogs to be read list, classes are winding down up here and despite myself, I'm going to miss it. Maybe I'll just miss living here, but I think some people made an impression on me and that's always hard to say goodbye to. Training is going well although the magnitude of this decision is beginning to weigh on me (can I really do a 1/2 Iron??). I bought a tri wetsuit and I'm getting a road bike, so I'll no longer be the outcast in the transition area. And I'm getting psyched to move to Boston, although that too has it's daunting aspects (but I'll save that for another post...)

When words just aren't enough...

This blog is turning out to be more a record of this crazy winter than I had originally intended, but the snow is so much more interesting to me than my training thus far. And since I'm technically still in my pre-training, there really isn't much to talk about, unless you want to be bored by details of laps, treadmills, and stationary bikes. I will say that I'm gaining strength and endurance faster than I'd thought I would and for the most part, I've really enjoyed my runs. It's a nice change from how I've spent most of the last two years, dreading my runs and yet still pushing myself to go. Maybe all the time off I took this fall, or the cross training that's finally taking care of my injury, has been the secret. Whatever the case, I feel good and strong and happy to be running again so I'm grateful. I'm still reluctant to make the switch to roads. It's a psychological block I know, but the treadmill feels safe and secure for now and I suppose as long as the roads look like they do, I'm probably better off inside. When I do head back outside to hills and all else that comes along with roads, then maybe I'll have more to talk about.

However, the purpose of this post was to share some more photos of my crazy winter since words have failed me in my attempts to catalogue just how much snow we have. Here's a few of what you can still see of my house...

The little sliver of window to the far right is all that is left of our kitchen window

And then one with me thrown in, just for perspective...


And in other news, I'm going to MGH Institute of Health Professions starting in June for my PT degree. I'm moving to Boston in May. I'm sad to be leaving New Hampshire. I've really grown to love it up here, the slow pace of life and small scale that I exist in, but I know that Boston will be fantastic. It's time to get back to my adult life :) But I will claim from now on that this is where I'm from!