Good News and Bad News

I've been postponing this post hoping that it would contain only the good half of the title, but as I'm rapidly discovering, my life is very far out of my control right now. So the first bad news is that I waited too long to sign up for my half iron of choice, Timberman here in NH and unfortunately it oversold, so no waiting list. However, I did find another alternative in Rhode Island which, while it may not be as aesthetically pleasing, may in fact be better since it's flat :) I haven't signed up for that yet either for a number of reasons...

Now, the other good news...I've been dealing with a hip injury since January of 06 and while it's significantly better, it still bothers me. Having had poor to no health insurance for the last year, I've been left to apply my limited knowledge towards diagnosing and rehabing and finally decided this fall that I don't necessarily know what the hell I'm talking about. I took the fall off of running in the hopes that I would finally get better. No luck. However, I saw an orthopedic surgeon the other day and through talking to him, figured out that while I have a number of issues (including piriformis syndrome, some tendonitis, and possibly torn labral cartilage), none of them preclude running. I may piss of my hip, but I won't do any further damage. Now this is still our best guess because I'm in no position to pay for another MRI to clarify.

And the bad news. The purpose of my visit to the ortho was a strange mass that appeared in my left calf in June of 06 (bad year for my left leg). I've seen several doctors now, had x-rays, ultrasound, and MRI all to find out that I still don't know what it is. I know it's not what I'd hoped, a lipoma or simple fat deposit that was pushing on the surrounding muscle tissue. While all of the doctors so far feel that this mass is benign, no one will rule out the possibility of a malignant tumor. So Monday I head to Beth Israel Hospital in Boston to see a musculoskeletal oncologist for a contrast MRI, biopsy, and at some point, surgery and muscle resection. It's looking now like I might lose a good chunk of the medial head of my gastroc. I've been told I'll be able to run again but I may not be at the level I'm at now. Since I never quite attained the level I know I could, that news comes with so many layers of disappointment I can't even begin to talk about them now.

So that's where things stand for now. No half ironman until I figure out when surgery will take place and how long my rehab will be. And for now, I'm operating on my gut that tells me this is going to turn out to be completely benign and hope that that's not me living in denial.

So I've come to the conclusion that I'm an inherently lazy person who can't sit still. Or perhaps I'm really active at heart but I love to lounge? Either way, this contradiction presents itself when I discover that some part of me really wants to train, to become a better, stronger athlete, and yet I can't seem to shut the TV off. And I'm writing this in my super comfy Bowdoin sweatpants that I seem to live in these days, drinking a good beer and yet feeling completely twitchy and full of the energy I should have expended running today. I just can't seem to do it. I find all kinds of excuses, some of them valid, but the excuses are never enough to drown out the image I have of myself, or to dampen that feeling of exhileration I get when I finish a race. So what to do? How do I overcome this internal contradiction? I keep telling myself that after this or that random future event, then I'll buckle down and get serious. Why not now? The other day I found out that I may need surgery and rather than accepting it and prepping for it, my first thought was that the expense would keep me from doing my 1/2 Iron tri. Twisted, I know. You'd think that in itself would get me on the treadmill or in the pool, if the desire is that strong. Instead I feel stuck in limbo. Maybe it's denial that my body is letting me down--if I don't exercise, I won't notice. But when I don't train, I feel like I'm succumbing to weakness. Again with the contradiction. Anyway, thoughts for the night...

Winter Fun

Yet one more reason to love living in New Hampshire is the opportunity for new and interesting ways to cross train in my off season. Yesterday we got over a foot of snow so today after class I set off into the woods with my snowshoes. For those unfamiliar with it, snowshoeing is a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be when I sold on the ads at the end of last winter. The trick for me is to remember that I'm not running and that therefore, there's no hurry. I tend to run quickly, even when I'm not in shape (which makes for some short, painful runs) and this inability to pace myself became evident as I started to fatigue about 4 minutes, or one song on my MP3 player, in. But once I got that relatively under control, cooled my body back down, and took time to look around me, it was amazing, and a pretty good workout, both uphill and down. So between that and shoveling up said foot + of snow yesterday, my body's worked harder than it has in a while.
The best part about the snowshoeing was that it allowed me think pretty clearly, something I haven't been able to do much of in the midst of school, work and applications for PT school. I've been thinking a lot about my motivation lately, a subject I seem to be obsessed with when it comes to training. I ran my first marathon without any motivation issues and since then I've struggled. I have discovered that every time my personal life feels unstable, my response is to pick a new race. Hence my thought of doing my first half ironman tri this summer. It's not that I just do these races, and train, to hide, or make myself feel stronger--I really do enjoy the activities, but I thought it was interesting what initiated the thought process. I seem to have this belief that if I get stronger physically and push myself to my physical limits and beyond, it will cease to matter to me that I'm about to be 30 and still single. It as if I can say that I'm not dating anyone because I'm too busy training, rather than admitting that maybe there's just no one out there for me. But perhaps all is not lost...as the old saying goes, "it" happens when you least expect it, so if I keep my life at this frenetic pace, I'll stop paying attention and just live.